A good year – 2018 – day 110

The day started off well, with being ready to go out the door five minutes early.

My “Our Daily Bread” App from yesterday jumped at me again:

“Hurry Not,” it said in the headline.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you” Isaiah 26:3

Rushing around frantically seems to be the opposite of “perfect peace”.

I was still charged with energy from the previous day, that when I disembarked the train in Central Station, I jogged to work. 

Arrived at work and met my lunch buddy and she was in high spirits. Once she had arrived home the night before and was told the full story of the demise of her cat, she was happy that the right decision had been made and she thanked me for all I did the day before. 

So on to a new day. 

On the agenda was to prepare a morning tea so my lunch buddy, and another colleague, and I, went shopping for the requisite items and returned and prepared the food. As is custom, I get asked to do a speech, so I prepared this time and it went without a hitch. Everyone enjoyed themselves and I couldn’t thank my lunch buddy enough for the assistance. We work so well as a team. 

Back to the desk and continue work.

I had a couple of meetings to go to, but the crunch came at the last meeting when a task I had been given had been dragging and I could not give a plausible reason why the situation had got out of hand. I finished the meeting and went home. I had the slowest walk to the station I had in a long time, to mull over what had gone so wrong.

When I reached the station and boarded my train, I started to get a feel for the situation.

I changed trains at Roma Street for my train home and once settled, started to sob.  I sobbed and sobbed as I worked through the day, and started to realise that I was doing my usual coming off the high from earlier in the day, in a big crash, and the thoughts of my mother came flooding to me. I realised at that moment why my performances not up to scratch. I am worried about my mother that I am searching out ways to keep myself busy to rid her out of my thoughts.

My 78-year-old mother has Lewy Body Dementia, and her demise is slow but noticeable. My 81-year-old father is left with the burden of looking after her, as she doesn’t qualify for permanent respite care. My mother is in a state that I hardly see her because she doesn’t want people to see her in the state she is in. When my father comes visiting, you can see the strain he is under. They recently sold their home of about 20 years to build a granny flat at my brother’s house, and are temporarily living in one of his houses while waiting for the completion of the granny flat.

This situation, on top of me having depression and PTSD; my wife is also suffering from depression and not doing much around the home; my eldest daughter having anxiety issues, so to able to find work, has me in such a bind that I need to find a way out. My PTSD/depression makes me make sudden decisions which I have to bear the consequences as an effort to find this way out. 

If it wasn’t for my passion for bushwalking, and having great work colleagues, I would probably regress into the mess I was in 10 years ago. At the moment I don’t know which way to turn.

So, anyway I finally made it home as the train was running slow due to the wet weather.

I watched TV, and spoke to my wife, who said she is like she is as she is concerned for me!! So it feels like we are all going down the gurgler.

I believe this may also be a push to start attending church again. I am trying to find a way in that allows my comfort zone to be bruised not be a total obstacle. I think I might contemplate and seek guidance over this to find a way forward.

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